FORGIVE THE UNFORGIVABLE: STANDING BY MY MAN AND KICKING SOCIETY’S JUDGMENTS
By Isabelle LaCroix Vienneau
My husband used to say he couldn’t win an argument with me if his life depended on it.
My response? "Well, when we did argue, it was about three things: your cocaine addiction, your lies, and your shitty choices in front of our kids." Our arguments sounded like, "No, I will not be okay with you using cocaine every other day," "No, I will not tolerate being lied to," and "No, I will not keep our kids around a father who prioritizes his addiction over their well-being." Back then, my husband, like any addict, would try to negotiate.
I know what you're thinking: "Why the hell would you stay with him?" Let me break it down for you. My husband and I have known each other since we were six years old. We went to school together; I even tutored him in grades six and seven. He was troubled, but I had compassion for him. He was always kind to me, watching out for me, and peeking in my dance studio window to watch me dance. I thought it was adorable.
After high school, we went our separate ways. Fast forward to 2015, we reconnected, and it was like we’d never been apart. But those years had changed him. We started dating, and soon after, I got pregnant with our daughter, Cali-Anne. That’s when I started noticing the drugs, the alcohol, and the lies. Lies about who he had become. So why did I stay? Because when I confronted him sober, he broke down. He told me the truth, the whole messy, painful truth. Despite the hurt and disappointment, I saw HIM. I chose kindness over judgment. Why? Because he had the guts to be real with me. He said, "I don't know where to start. This has been my life for as long as I can remember. But I don't want this life anymore. I want you, Cali, our kids, and our family. If you're willing to stay, I promise I will do whatever it takes to make this right."
When someone is raw and honest with you, it’s easy to let the pain take over. It’s easy to judge, to lash out, to want to punish them for the hurt they’ve caused. But when you ask for the truth, you must be ready for the ugliness that comes with it. Ask yourself, "Do I really want to know the truth?" because the truth can be brutal. It can make you feel disgusted, angry, ashamed, hurt. Are you prepared to handle that without judging the other person? Can you pause your impulses and be curious about their choices? Can you consider supporting them despite everything?
Fast forward to today, 2024. He’s been sobered for nearly a decade, with no relapses. He had to cut ties with all his old friends because you can't stay sober surrounded by addicts. He rebuilt his mindset, developed new habits, and stayed consistent. This isn’t something you do for a few years and then stop. It’s a lifelong commitment and slipping up can mean relapsing. He even set non-negotiable boundaries with some family members still living the old lifestyle.
His entire life, he was judged for things out of his control. Nobody chooses their upbringing. For those who haven’t lived it, it’s easy to say, "You're an adult now, make better choices." But if you haven't lived that life, your perspective is naive. As Brene Brown says, "Your opinion doesn’t matter from the cheap seats." You haven't crawled, let alone walked, in those shoes.
My husband's father left when he was eight. No explanation, no contact. Just gone. Raised by a single mom who lost her parents at 12, with two older brothers, he grew up hustling for survival. Survival means worrying about food on the table rather than elevating your life with masterclasses. It means your mom works three jobs, and you grow up fast, doing chores, going to school, and getting into trouble because there’s no one to guide you. You don't get emotional intelligence training; you barely get a break. And because you're poor, your clothes and shoes aren't cool, and when kids make fun of you, you have two choices: avoid them or confront them. He chose to confront.
So back to “I can’t win an argument with my wife.” What I didn’t realize until last year was this: "That belief, though true in those situations, became a pattern for everything we discussed," like how to raise and discipline our kids. Why did I make this a pattern for every conversation? It wasn’t planned or plotted. I dug deeper and found this: Although I am so damn proud of my husband, the man he chose to fight for and become, part of me was still holding on to the pain. Part of me in my subconscious felt I deserved the final say after all the shit he had put me through. I was wrong. When you forgive someone, it doesn't mean you forget, but for this to work, you must let go and rebuild. Not say you forgive them and hold them hostage for control. Fear of letting go. Fear of trusting again.
How did we build trust again? We created a Relationship and Family Model. Yup, you heard me right. Just like a business model, but for relationships and family dynamics.
Purpose & Vision: We defined our purpose and vision as a family. What value are we creating in our family? Why do we want to create this value?
Family Values: We established our core values: Skills & Talents, Beliefs, Goals & Aspirations, Relationships, Family Experiences, and Value & Fulfillment.
Family Model: We developed a model that included our Mindset & Attitude, Habits & Routines, Resources & Tools, Presence & Influence, Support Network, and Family Identity. And we made a pact that under no circumstances is ANYONE expected to be perfect.
You may never fully understand someone else's journey, so if there’s one thing, I’m hoping to leave you with it’s this: "Please keep in mind that not everyone is born into a loving healthy environment. It means everything you've had years to learn and practice, some are just starting in their 30s." Be kind and instead of spitting out the obvious in your view, be curious and maybe even ask “Is there room for me to support you along this journey?” You’d be surprised how much value that could bring in someone’s life.
The point isn’t about who’s right or wrong. It’s about recognizing that everyone has their battles, and those battles shape their worldviews. My husband's struggles made him who he is, just like mine shaped me. Judging is easy, understanding is hard, choosing to rebuild is even harder but man – for us? So damn worth it! Today, our friends want what we have but often, aren’t willing to put in the work. So maybe, just maybe, we should start with a bit more empathy and a lot less judgment. That's how real unapologetic HUMAN change happens.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Isabelle LaCroix Vienneau
Founder of ILV Consulting & Chief Reinvention Officer | Blindspot Revealer for Executives | Spotlight on Productivity Barriers | Modern Org. Change, Leadership & Engagement Mentor
Isabelle LaCroix Vienneau is not your typical executive – she's the lifeline every executive needs. Although she recently founded ILV Consulting, her true superpowers lie in her two decades spent directly within the heart of employee dynamics. While you're up top, steering the corporate ship with commitment, she’s been elbows deep, tuning into the "on the ground" vibes — and those vibes went wrong — in today’s workplaces. The undercurrents? Emotional tugs-of-war, what she labels as “The Victim Trap”, eat away at productivity, paralyze your stars, and, unchecked, it's an infection in your teams.
As a certified reinvention practitioner, her philosophy is unmistakable: "You must do the work and provide emotional solutions to emotional challenges" On the home front, she masterfully co-parents six unique kids, five with ADHD and she's an influential bold force in the boardroom. Isabelle isn't just in the executive ranks; she's the game-changer that invigorates them.
Connect with Isabelle LaCroix Vienneau on LinkedIn to learn more about her work and insights here.
